Gulliver's Travels
“Go forth, Voyager,
and copy if you can,
this vigorous (to the best of his ability)
Champion of Liberty"
—Jonathan Swift, Epitaph for Jonathan Swift
I took my first trip to the supermarket in a wheelchair. Wanting an occupation in order to help, my sister-in-law called and asked for something to do. A trip to the grocery store was a real requirement, something I needed to do, and something she was more than “willing and able” to assist with.
Well within the appropriate tolerance of agreed upon departure time, my sister-in-law arrived with her husband to drive me up to the Safeway. Sitting in the wheelchair looking up at them I thought they were very tall people…this I thought was a very strange observation, however for whatever reason, I didn't keep that to myself and I was compelled to speak it out loud. Note to self: Stop speaking out loud.
First job was getting out of the house and into her SUV in a safe manner. With the help of my kid we properly exited the house through the back door and I was able to roll around to the driveway without much in the way of safety issues. Using the same route this had not been our same experience moving my father around the house in his wheelchair the previous year. On one early deployment with my dad I recall there was a very real possibility he was going to end up under the deck. Crisis averted and lesson learned. I was a direct beneficiary of some of this early wheelchair knowledge learned by assisting my dad.
Other precautions dictated that we make sure the dog was secured in the house prior to opening the front gate. Having not taken this precaution the dog was freedom bound. Luckily the dog, who enjoys going for rides, immediately leapt into the back seat and was apprehended and led without further ado back into the house where she was properly secured. At that point I was able to transition into the backseat and the in-laws were able to fold my lightweight wheelchair and place it in the back of their SUV.
First and second rule of assisted wheelchair ops.
If nobody's watching the dog. Secure the dog or they'll make their necessary and instinctual run for freedom.
Should a patient end up under the deck, the assistant should check for breathing. If not breathing, promptly cover with dirt and apply rule #1 above for about 2 years.
We drove to the big Safeway and my sister-in-law dropped her husband and I off in front of the store and she went to park her vehicle. Having no handicap placard, we did not park in a handicap space. We were only able to admire the number of unused handicap spaces required under the ADA. Not that I care that much but I'm curious, having been discharged by the hospital in a wheelchair, why was a doctor's note not included in my discharge instructions? It is now incumbent upon me to obtain a doctor's note in order to apply to the DMV for a parking handicapped parking placard.
Rule three of assisted wheelchair ops
Ask for a signed disability note from your attending physician before leaving his office. This is necessary to obtain a parking placard from the DMV. And at a minimum this equips you to go do battle with the DMV. At this time I do not know what other red tape will befuddled your attempt at successfully obtaining a disability placard…mileage may vary. You can be assured that plenty of open handicap spaces will be available should you obtain a placard. Good luck.
Within no time I was rolling into the Safeway with the inlaws in tow pushing two shopping carts. I continued to notice one thing about my two-in-laws from the vantage point of my wheelchair. Both of them continue to appear very tall. Both in the rehabilitation hospital and in my own household, where I was near many people, I did not perceive any of them to be particularly tall. Either I have a perception problem or these two venues were packed with Lilliputians at some point in the past and I was never made aware of their presence. I fault Jonathan Swift for never making such a pronouncement in his writing. It's clear Swift had disabilities from an early age, and his satirical writing reflected many things that Gulliver had little control over…very tall people and very short people were but two of the oddities he would discover during his travels.
I am now very much interested in the people that talk like horses or is it horses that talk like people? I can't remember. I know for sure that the Yahoo's are more commonplace in today's society although I'm not sure that's what Swift had in mind in 1726. I will be on the lookout and report back should any more characters appear in my disabled state. After some quick research I have discovered that Swift had a lot of money and ultimately had a severe disability which required 24-hour continuous care in his later life. His people cared for him until his death. He did not crawl off into the wilderness. In his will a large donation established one of the first mental health hospitals in Ireland. Don’t know if the people who cared for him until his death were compensated or not…but his money went to a very good cause. I suspect, with no evidence, they were most likely screwed.
Note to self; conduct independent survey of the heights of individuals I come into contact with while seated in a wheelchair. This test is to gauge accuracy of perception and to ward off the perception of early dementia. Should people talk like horses (or vice versa) …well let's not think about that at this point.
As we walked into Safeway we immediately passed the flower stand. I asked my sister-in-law if she would like some flowers which she deserved for taking me to the supermarket and she turned them down immediately. If I was ambulatory I would simply have grabbed her flowers and purchased them anyway. As it stands, relying on her for placing items into the cart, it would have been difficult to secure her a bouquet of appreciation flowers in a covert manner.
Rule four about assisted wheelchair ops.
Difficult to make covert purchases. Further it is difficult to surprise people who are shopping with you with gifts for them.
The fruit and vegetable section came next. The aisles were wide enough for me to roll unassisted and everything I needed in that section was easily reachable. I grabbed plums, red grapes, bagged lettuce for salad, green beans and a combination of broccoli cauliflower and carrots. I also grabbed a carton of sliced mushrooms. Everything I needed was conveniently at wheelchair level and there was nothing I had to reach for beyond that even though I was in the company of two giants. Gulliver called them Brobdingnagian.
Rule five about assisted wheelchair ops.
You cannot push a cart in front of a wheelchair. Don't even try. Rather your only option is to use the electric scooter with a built-in basket at the front of the store. In the presence of two very tall in-laws, they can push the shopping carts for you just fine. I'll try the scooter next time.
Continuing to move along through the store I couldn't help but notice the tile was easy to roll on and the floors of the store seemed particularly level…I don't know why this surprised me, as most construction includes level floors. I think because I've been doing so much rolling on sidewalks, asphalt and concrete, and indoors at my house includes a lot of stairs and transitions…by comparison a good floor is very nice. The entire floor at Safeway was smooth and without any transitions.
Rule six of assisted wheelchair ops
Pick a well known store that clearly became compliant with regard to requirements under the Americans with Disability Act many years ago. It definitely shows.
Next stop was the meat department. I quickly grabbed the last remaining fillets which were available within grabbing distance. Cheese steaks are on the menu. They seem to be all out of 80/20 ground beef and my sister-in-law did look on the top shelf, which I could not see, but of course today there was no 80/20. I grabbed the Wahlberg pre-made patties and placed them in my cart. I have never seen Mark Wahlberg in any of his restaurants or in the refrigerated meat section at the supermarket. I wonder where he is hiding.
As stated previously the isles at this particular Safeway are wide enough for me to navigate the entire store and never impinge or block a fellow shopper. Even though on this Sunday morning the store was fairly well occupied nobody got in my way and vice versa.
At this point both carts started to get full. A couple pallets of water and eight rolls of paper towel contribute to this phenomenon. I checked my shopping list…and it looked like everything was checked off. My brother in law recited the standard rule regarding forgotten items, “You know exactly what you forgot, when you get home”.
The refrigerated items were next. I rarely buy milk but in this case, I’ve been eating Sugar Frosted Flakes in the hospital for two weeks. It was one of the rare treats I experienced during my incarceration. So I’m buying them to eat at home and that requires milk. It turns out they are great.
Also in the refrigerated aisle I must buy a big back of shredded cheese. For nachos or other fast meal options including the cheese tax that must always be paid. Death and the cheese tax are as certain as death and taxes. I’ve been advised that shredded cheese is never the right choice, block cheese is the way to go for many reasons. Besides the indelible point that I was being judged, the fact remains that shredding the cheese negates the entire reason to have shredded cheese in the refrigerator to begin with; you don’t have to shred the cheese. Just like slicing bread, why would you slice bread?
After selecting the cheddar-jack blend (yet another reason to buy the pre-shredded cheese) all that remained was to enter the beer cave. Good news at this large Safeway they have presupposed that someone in a wheelchair will be entering. The automated door slid open on my arrival, and I rolled right in.
Then it was time to check out. We rolled into the checkout aisle and my sister-in-law helped unload the carts on to the belt. I eventually rolled forward until I was under the debit card scanner. I keyed in my shopper's card and my debit card to the console and waited for completion of the checkout. It was odd sitting below the level of the debit card scanner and when that happens it is hard to punch in the right pin. It seemed to work as approved showed up on the screen. I waited for my receipt out of consideration for the cashier, I normally turn and run out the door saying no over my shoulder when they ask me if I want the receipt. Being in a wheelchair compelled me to be nice…I’m not sure why…I’ll have to think about that for a bit.
We rolled out to the parking lot, the SUV was close, so she didn’t have to pull the vehicle around. They both loaded the car, and I jumped in from the side as they negotiated on who was putting the wheelchair in the back. I’m still not sure who did it.
The best part of all? They brought the groceries in. For that reason alone, being disabled might be underrated.
All in all I rate this Safeway adventure as wheelchair accessible. I am looking forward to shopping at the Safeway by myself. That will be discussed later as I learn more about unassisted wheelchair ops. Stay tuned.