I Will Choose Free Will

You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice
You can choose from phantom fears, and kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that's clear, I will choose free will
—RUSH, Free Will

I feel like I’ve experienced sufficient success the last five weeks since surgery to provide an update. I came completely off of all muscle relaxants one week after surgery. All Tylenol and Montrin 2 weeks after surgery. I reduced my dose of gabapentin from 2400 mg / day down to 400 mg / day and waning…meaning I forget to even take it most days. And the only reason I’m taking it is because you have to wean off of it to prevent symptoms of withdrawal. So far I’ve not experienced any of that mess. It’s interesting that gabapentin is used for many things these days and it almost seems like a wonder drug. Nerve pain being number one, followed by migraines, and then detox for some chemical addictions. Did I also mention our canine friends seem to be prescribed a lot of gabapentin? Oh, maybe I did. That was a joke for those paying attention. I guess it makes sense that gabapentin has some withdrawal properties of its own. I’ll monitor that closely. I should be able to tell since I’m really not taking anything else but some BP meds along with vitamins and all my wacky life extension supplements. For the record I took no opioids post surgery. In fact, I haven’t had an opioid during my pinch in the observation ward at Fairfax Abysmal. I seem, however, to have found a temporary fountain of youth just by having my spine returned to the full and upright position. There is no pain coming from my lower back in the L34/L45 region, my leg, the location of the debilitating sciatica nerve pain, or the surgical site where the 4 inch incisions cut through the layers of tissue and muscle to expose my spine. The phantom pain I was experiencing shooting in random places up and down my leg had died completely away by the third week. I am ready to run, jump, and fall.

When I say there is no pain. I mean there is no pain. Zero, zilch, nada, nothing. It is borderline miraculous given that I was pushing myself around in a wheel chair for two months. But we knew this outcome on August 18th and the medical professionals as well as my insurance company seemed to require some level of torture before getting on with it. Just to be sure. In fairness, despite the fact that the impingement was at both the L34 and L45 given the condition I presented with, I had sciatica nerve pain running the length of my leg down to my big toe (does everyone remember it’s called the “Great Toe”. Just checking to make sure you’ve been reading). The focus of the treatment originally indicated L45 would be the level for the discectomy. Had some fictitious surgeon shown up on August 18th chances are they would have done the single level discectomy only and the correction wouldn’t have been complete. I say that even though it was the final medical opinion of my surgical team that the L34 was in the worst shape as indicated by the very first MRI. The focus was on the L45 as it ran the length of my leg. The pain in the nerve from the L34 would have run the same pattern down the back of my leg but hard stop at the back of my knee. So the pain in both nerves must have been present in both nerves and not differentiated by me, other than the fact that I was moon shot level debilitation pain, couldn’t walk, and was in a wheel chain. Coincidence? The surgeon had been insistent that the pain in the L45 alone could not have put me in a wheelchair, so something else must be complicating the matter. Well he was absolutely right on that accord. Originally he had set out to find that something else by ordering the additional MRI’s of my thoracic and cervical regions. With those showing nothing significant (side bar that my C56 and C67 seemingly improved from my bout with those discs 13 years ago) focus was back on the L34 and well as the L45. And of course the surgical team nailed it.

I can’t speak highly enough. I’m supposed to write a recommendation for the surgeon on his website but I haven’t gotten around to writing it yet. On the one hand, I am cured and happy. On the other hand, I’m still not sure I am an avid supporter of orthopedic spinal surgery just yet. As already reported we know these doctors like to cut and like to install components that they also own and make more money on. I have a single data point. Maybe two, my friend Jay was healed by the exact same surgeon. I’ll have to have a longer conversation with him to be absolutely sure I’m promoting the real McCoy before I entice others in pain into the wrong clinic. I didn’t get the number of 2nd opinions I had organically set out to find. Thirteen years ago I obtained 5 opinions before deciding on my best option. This time I only had one true opinion with a whole bunch of confusers tossed in. The pain management doctor’s opinions were absolute shit as they all seemingly in on the diagnosis that I was there for the meds and there was actually nothing wrong. The Neurosurgeon at Fairfax Abysmal whose option was to do nothing was as worthless as teats on a boar hog. We can’t even count an incorrect diagnosis as an opinion. His PAs were better in that at least they were willing to express an opinion that surgery was indicated. The doctors in the rehab were more like ostriches. I was there for rehab; the diagnosis and treatment were not their responsibility. And then there is my Chiropractor. He’s a nice guy. He really knows his stuff and I believe I will continue seeking him from time to time for some specific things like maintenance. He never really told me not to get surgery. He more the wait and see type. I was experiencing some relief under his care, but it would be a very long time under his care before I would feel like I do now. So maybe the Chiropractor is an option, wait and see, but I don’t like that opinion, unlike the rock band “RUSH’s” position on that type of dilemma, "if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice". In this case I will choose free will. But beyond that it means I only had one surgical opinion and some encouraging advice from Deep Throat. He was advising me to go with the surgical fix, no fusion, no pins. So yes…given the beatdown I was taking from the Medical Industrial Complex and despite how actively I was pursuing my own advocacy and treatment, I never got that 3rd opinion I was looking for. But, if you follow the trail of logic and the evidence as it presented itself…it only reinforced what we knew from the early MRI. Never impingement at the L34 and L45. Sciatic indidcates L45. Inability to walk. Cortizone injection at both the L34 and L45 helped but for a very limited time. To me, that was the true smoking gun. So in a sense, the doctor who gave me the second cortizone injection, expressed his opinion with his treatment. Did I also mention he's the one who increased my gabbipentin to 2400 mg which gave me a bit of relief as well. I might write him the best apraisal of them all. Nah, the surgeon crushed it.

Last week I got on a plane for the first time. Short trip to Boston. One hour in the seat, I had an aisle seat as is my normal protocol, near the back, to combat my claustrophobia. My travel compatriots and I were all on the same flight so I filled the early minutes complaining about the kid screaming and if someone was going to throat-punch one of the parents if the screaming continued. Cookies had the best line coming out of that round when she mentioned she thought the kid screaming was happening in her head and thanked me for pointing out that it was real.. Same Cookies, same. We were also on a plane with a group of school aged girls dressed similarly on what appeared to be some sort of competition. I didn’t ask. But after a short spat of rocky turbulence, the girls took to applause upon landing. Not unheard of, but rare these days. It was lovely sitting on the plane. Physically without pain. I literally don’t know if I’m sitting or standing. I don’t even pay attention to it. I feel nothing. Is this how normal people feel? I keep expressing that to people who ask me. It’s just weird to sit in a chair and not have a constant reminder that I’m in agony. I’m not talking about it since I was bound to a wheelchair. I’m talking about tension in my lower back that is just annoying and present in my lower back since before I can remember not having it. Same when I’m standing. After about 10 minutes of standing, it’s down right uncomfortable. I have to move around. Standing still is for the birds. But now I can stand for longer periods of time. I do feel my back getting tired…but that’s what it feels like…it feels tired. It does not feel painful. I assess my condition as having the spine of a 40 year old again. I turn 61 shortly, for those paying attention. Power Tools and Gift Cards are always welcome.

So now, with my free will, I have another choice to make…is it time to return to the soccer pitch? But, I’ll still have to dispute RUSH. Is it really a choice? I think it was made for me by some celestial voice. A lot of prayers were thrown in my direction. I thank them all. I feel like all of those prayers were answered. I am not only walking, I’m walking with purpose, with agility and guile. I am ready to run and run faster. I am ready to jump and jump higher. I am not ready to fall, but hopefully I’ll accept not falling harder. I was over most of the hard falling without the injury as old age creeped in. But yet, we still have to fall down playing soccer. I just hope for easy slow falls. It’s funny to watch an old fat guy fall down. It’s even funnier when I have a beard. Nothing better than watching a creepy Santa fall to the ground this Holiday Season. I hope that’s the case. I intend to play on December 7th, for the first time. It will be a day of infamy for many reasons. Come out and watch it happen.