Hindsight is 20/20

Since they say that hindsight is 20/20 let's look back six weeks and see how crystal clear we examined the cause of my pain and the reason I'm in a wheelchair.  Then how we sought to avoid what has happened.  Because  I have a bulging disc impinging the nerve root at the L34 and the L45 I am unable to walk.  The surgeon has now offered me surgery to remove the hernias that are bulging onto the nerve roots at both locations. Basically do both of them. Genius.  But is it really? Am I the  only person in the history of back pain to have two herniated discs?

The joy of this 20/20 hindsight is stripped away when looking at the report from the MRI on the evening of 17 August. The radiologist who wrote the report says impingement of the L3 nerve root and impingement of the L4 nerve root caused by a bulging disc at both locations. Fuck me. Am I the  only person in the history of back pain to have two herniated discs? Deja-fucking-Vu. Warning, due to six weeks of pain my use of the “F” word has increased from occasional and random to frequent and the most sought after word in the English language. I’m tired of pain.  

As I look back to my week in Attica three physician assistants met with me and examined both my MRI and my physical condition and told me surgery was indicated. All three said they would talk to the doctor and advocate for surgery. None of them expressed anything specific about the surgery, just that it was indicated.

If there has ever been a case of Deja Vu it's right now as I write this blog.  Call it déjà vu now or call it Groundhog's Day but  in those early days during my stay in Attica… each day I  knew exactly what was happening and exactly what would need to be done.  And each day the medical team refused treatment.  And as we got closer to Folsom, each day I held out hope for the surgery…or someone with any sense to come to a surgical solution. 

Four Inova Fairfax doctors are complicit in this failure to provide treatment.  I would implicate the PA’s too for not taking a stand against their boss.  The four primary doctors include the ER doctor. The two doctors are running pain management at the Observation Unit (Attica). And the neurosurgeon whose decisions were invalid and who never appeared in person to talk to me or to examine me despite what, at least what I was told by the PA’s, his decision to ignore their advice.

As I wait for the result of my complaint at Fairfax Inova patient services I remain exactly the same as I was on the day I showed up six weeks ago in the emergency room with a level 10 pain and the inability to walk.  The only thing that has changed is my skill using a cane to walk 10 steps and a wheelchair to maneuver around the pain.  During every transition it is impossible to move in a manner where I don't push the herniated discs onto either one of the nerve roots. And we know what happens then. 

When the sciatic pain showed up last year I had done damage to the disc that then impinges on that nerve root. I was able to maneuver about that year by simply adjusting my posture.  Then in the closing weeks of August, again my fault was doing too much, I  herniated the disc that then began to impinge on the L3 nerve root. This is speculation but the result is certain.  Combined I have two bulging discs both pressing on nerves creating my condition of extreme pain which we will call a 10 as well as my inability to walk. 

Psychologically I've been questioning the experts telling me that pain is subjective and I've been wondering to myself if I just can't handle the pain. It's pretty clear now that the pain I'm feeling is not some  phantom.  It is both  real and it is excruciating. Having endured the pain of the L4 herniation for 18 months I have created a situation for myself that made it even worse. Basically pushing through the pain of the bulging disc on the L4 I  undoubtedly created more stress on the vertebrae above which eventually gave up the ghost at  the L3 and pinched the nerve.

It don't feel any better to know, myself, that I have not created some fictitious suffering.  I’d like to believe that…but each time I try to take a step, I’m reminded that my body doesn’t work.  It’s self critiquing.  I sit back down in my wheel chair.